CAPE: BRIDE OF CAPE! and "No Bubbles for YOOOO!"

http://www.capeday.com/

May 5, 2007, 10AM to 6PM..

Ya'll come see me and...shoot, everyone! If they're worth seeing, they're at CAPE! What other cons take three or four days to accomplish, Zeus does in one, with lots of female guests to boot!



Swell poster by Scott Kurtz. Guess wnat's going in the rebuilt house? Yeah!

I am at the house, wrapped in a blanket, sitting in front of an open window, surfing on an unsecured signal. I have recently had a bath that was supposed to be hot and bubbly. It was not bubbly or hot. I suppose the heat on the heater needs adjusting. So does the showerhead (need adjusting), which drools and spits when the water is turned to "hot." The tub, aided by the magic of a motor, is supposed to bubble. It did no such thing.

I am going to bed to read Dogland by Will Shtterley and drink my cocoa. I am clean, warm, and okay. With any luck, a dog will lay next to me and snuffle in my ear until I dream of a man saying the same thing over and over again. Hey, it's happened once already.

Excited About Indifference

As part of my ongoing project in discussing issues related to mental health, I will now share what I have been gnawing on for the past week.

Grudges. Grudges have come up a lot in the past week, since my doctor mentioned them to me.

I am ever so much a Queen of Grudges. I don't develop them in a vacuum, mind. Every single one was provoked, by hurtful behavior or words, by being shitty to me or my kids, by subjecting me to a wretched weekend out of town.

I develop them for two reasons: either something was so hurtful, the grudge became like scar tissue, or, more usually, because I wanted to make sure I did not forget how badly I'd been hurt/disappointed/used and therefore not go into a situation or get entangled with a person again.

And I never really thought about this much, except to occassionally realize I'd been chawing on a grudge for, say, ten years. Or, embarassingly, twenty or more.

And this is where indifference comes in. It's not trying to pretend something didn't hurt, or that someone didn't scare the shit out of you or let you down. It isn't letting go. It's putting shit in a place where it doesn't consume.
The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Hate takes more energy than love. Indifference, I expect, once I learn how to use it, will require very little effort beyond assigning something to "indifference."

Indifference isn't a lack or watchfulness, wariness, or listening to gut feelings. It's not ignoring bad behavior. It IS not allowing a shit monster of one's own making to maow down on you/me every day.

I like the idea of being free of of focusing on hurts and disappointments. (Which is not at all the same as flailing about being desperately happy.) I am working on this. I can see it in front of me, within reach, and it looks so good.

And now I go back to building cabinets before sleeping begins to look too good. It is a little depressing to be alone in the house, and this leads to sleeping and not getting things done, which leads to more sleeping because it gets more depressing!
I am keeping my eyes on the prize, which is meals in a rooms with windows, a studio with a view, a kitchen where we can find things, and everyone together.
And hot water (not piss warm), and a waterjet bath tub that does.
Time for coffee and cocoa, and the power tools, ohohUH!

'Night, all!